Benjamin Linus: manipulative, Other, Black Smoke lover. There isn’t much the pupil-bulging puppet master won’t do for a slice of Island power; whether it be a spot of baby pinching, murdering omnipresent entities or just plain old blackmail. That Ben, eh? He’s a crazy coconut!
While Lost continues to drip feed us to the point of malnutrition, we have juxtaposed from last weeks stab-a-thon to reflect with Dr. Linus in the alt-verse and Ben’s Island undoing in the present. Indeed, handy ghost-whisperer Miles got his lines out of the way early this week, informing everyone that Ben took a note out of Sayid’s book and went stab-happy on Jacob. Naughty Ben.
Meanwhile, Hurley and Jack come across walking guyliner advert Richard, who leads them on a trip to the Black Rock. The old ship returns for the first time since season three, and Richard hints that he may have wandered off of the old slave vessel when it first arrived.
Jack and Richard then have a contest of ‘where did Jacob touch you’, before playing with some dynamite, proving them both to be invincible. Jacob will give you anything for a little squeeze, the filthy pervert.
Back with Ben off-Island, that daughter he once stole, Alex, turns up as one of his school pupils – one that he has taken a particular liking to. It’s not long, though, before Linus (Doctor, as he so frequently insists) is up to his levels of mass scheming again – but this looks to be a changed man. With his golf-sweater and a general look that suggests he organises his pornography collection chronologically, he is a tamer beast. He hasn’t even gassed his father – who is now alive off the Island, helped by Ben and kept alive by gas (see what they did there?). They even spoke about leaving the Island together, revealing that all was not imminently destroyed post-nuclear detonation.
So Ben, bored and striving for supreme power over his school, plots to blackmail Head Walter Peck from Ghostbusters, with the help of season one’s dynamite victim Arzt. It’s a point of contention for Ben as he is again given a choice betweenAlex’s future and his own selfish plans. The alt-verse is looking more and more like a mirror; so we should expect Jack to run in and smash the shit out of it any time now.
When Ben finally realises the error of his ways back on Island – while digging his own grave – he has a choice of being a good guy or going off with Cocke and becoming Island keeper. He decides the former and then becomes part of – in classic lost fashion – a slow-motion hugtastic reunion. It’s the primetime American TV equivalent of Saved by the Bell’s freeze-frame high-five ending, and is equally as likely to have you fall into a diabetic fit.
The episode concludes as a periscope peeks out of the ocean by the Beach Camp, revealing Jim Robinson from Neighbours is coming to the Island. We’re not sure why, maybe he’s looking for Harold Bishop or just another American TV show to appear in. But what we do know is that if you need a vaguely threatening pensioner with a hybrid English-American-Australian accent, then he’s your man… and Lost’s most pants mystery.
Someone who is much wiser than us once said that images and sounds merge together and make images on a much bigger scale.
Most of the time, an image says a thousand words. Not that we can ever really say that many words in one go. That’s like a million words or something, absolutely billions.
More and more often now, we are hearing music that casts strong visual images into our tiny little brains. Summer Trees And Winter Leaves manage to beautifully implant the thought of lazy days that we wish we could spend doing absolutely bugger all. Stop the music and all of a sudden we are returned to our drab normal life where we reminded that we have to deal with moronic members of the public because they blame other people for their own problems.
Lady Gaga has just released the long-awaited video to Telephone, her new single. But so bloody what, eh?
You won’t watch it. You won’t watch Lady Gaga and Beyonce singing about how much they like telephones, because the video is nine and a half minutes long. Nine and a bloody half poxy minutes long! You’re busy people – you couldn’t possibly sit in one place doing one thing for nine and a half minutes, even if that thing was watching a video of Lady Gaga and Beyonce banging on about a lovely telephone. Your life is far too short.
So here’s what we’ll do. We’ll watch the Lady Gaga and Beyonce Telephone video for you, and then show you the ten best bits from it after the jump. Honestly, the things we do for you people sometimes.
Just in case you do have nine and a half minutes spare – maybe because you’re unemployed or recently bereaved – we’ll show you the full Lady Gaga/ Beyonce Telephone video first. You don’t have to watch it – we can’t overemphasise that enough – but it’s here if you want it…
Wow! That was nine and a half minutes of awesomeness, wasn’t it? It’s OK, you don’t have to answer that – we know you’re too busy to spend almost ten minutes watching a woman with funny eyebrows goon about in her knickers. But, just in case you’re ever drawn into a conversation about it and you don’t want to look like a clueless idiot, allow us to present to you the ten best bits from the Lady Gaga/ Beyonce Telephone video…
LADY GAGA/ BEYONCE TELEPHONE VIDEO BEST BIT 1 – 1:29
Lady Gaga, there, sporting a pair of sunglasses made of lit cigarettes. She’s a zany one, that’s for sure!
LADY GAGA/ BEYONCE TELEPHONE VIDEO BEST BIT 2 – 1:56
Lady Gaga getting off with Christian Slater. Or a lesbian. Oh, it’s so hard to tell these days.
LADY GAGA/ BEYONCE TELEPHONE VIDEO BEST BIT 3 – 2:09
Wow! Hey kids, Lady Gaga uses VIRGIN MOBILE! Because if there’s one thing that Lady Gaga loves more than generating heaps of controversy, it’s GREAT mobile coverage at a LOW LOW PRICE! Honestly, there’s nothing GAGA about wanting a cost-effective mobile phone contract!!
LADY GAGA/ BEYONCE TELEPHONE VIDEO BEST BIT 4 – 3:34
That’s right Madonna, TWO THUMBS UP for Virgin Mobile’s outstanding value and wonderful quality of service to both new and existing customers! We agree!!
LADY GAGA/ BEYONCE TELEPHONE VIDEO BEST BIT 5 – 4:16
Alright Lady Gaga, give it a sodding rest already. We get it, you like Virgin Mobile. Jesus.
LADY GAGA/ BEYONCE TELEPHONE VIDEO BEST BIT 6 – 4:56
Here’s Beyonce, eating a sandwich in an angry way. She probably knows that Lady Gaga has overdone the Virgin Mobile product placement, and if she doesn’t do something to change the subject pretty quickly then Richard Branson will be on the phone, shouting and howling at them both like some kind of bearded Edmondsesque banshee. But what on Earth can Beyonce do to stop people thinking about Virgin Mobile?
LADY GAGA/ BEYONCE TELEPHONE VIDEO BEST BIT 7 – 5:59
Oh. Right. Should have seen that coming, really.
LADY GAGA/ BEYONCE TELEPHONE VIDEO BEST BIT 8 – 6:20
What’s that, Lady Gaga? Virgin Mobile’s network is so strong and reliable that it even allows you to take part in crystal clear conversations if you’ve only got a lettuce or, as demonstrated by the man on the far left, two nice baguettes? That’s amazing! Virgin Mobile really must have one of the world’s finest networks. Coupled with its competitive array of tariffs, that surely puts Virgin Mobile leaps and bounds ahead of all the other mobile networks!
LADY GAGA/ BEYONCE TELEPHONE VIDEO BEST BIT 9 – 7:31
Oops! Beyonce has remembered that this is supposed to be a music video and not just one big long heavy-handed advert for a specific mobile network. But don’t worry, if she and Lady Gaga both dress up in a couple of ludicrous outfits and dick around like a pair of 12-year-olds at a sleepover at the end of the video, then people will forget all about the shameless huckstering they’ve just witnessed and simply get on with their day.
LADY GAGA/ BEYONCE TELEPHONE VIDEO BEST BIT 10 – 9:01
John Mayer can’t have known what sort of nightmare he’d stumble into when he called Jessica Simpson ’sexual napalm’.
But now he knows. Now John Mayer’s going to get his arse handed to him. Worse still, he’s going to get his arse handed to him by Jessica Simpson’s new boyfriend Billy Corgan. And when you’re having your arse handed to you by a wan, squat, snaggle-toothed Count Orlok lookalike whose skin is so pale that it may as well be completely translucent, you know that you’re in trouble.
We’ve just seen the opening salvo of this simmering John Mayer vs Billy Corgan war take place, with Corgan warning Mayer that he’s destroying his own career. Hey Billy, that’s not actually a bad thing! Keep your voice down, you bald idiot!
Whatever you think of Jessica Simpson, you have to admit that she’s got her fair share of her admirers. Nick Lachey liked her enough to marry her, her own dad liked her enough to yammer on about her boobs in public like some sort of freakishly uninhibited lunatic. And then there’s John Mayer, the man who managed to interrupt a Playboy interview about the suspect racial views of his penis to describe Jessica Simpson as ’sexual napalm’, and that he’d spend all his money on having sex with her if possible.
And now Jessica Simpson has a new man. No, that’s unfair. He’s not a man, he’s Billy Corgan, so technically Jessica Simpson has a new fang-toothed slaphead glum indie bellend with a voice like a witch in a windtunnel. And as unlikely as their love may be, Billy Corgan and Jessica Simpson are together, and Billy will defend his new love to the hilt. So long as he can do it in a cripplingly passive-aggressive way via a magazine like Rolling Stone. Which he has – look:
“He’s trying to destroy his career. Rather than take a year off or change his musical direction, some part of it is irritating his soul to the point where he’s trying to blow it up. Certainly a talented guy, but empathetically, standing on the sidelines, it’s hard to watch someone literally burn their career to the ground speaking as somebody who’s done it.”
And now that Billy Corgan has got that out of his system, everything can get back to normal. Suitably chastened, John Mayer can return to his first love of singing rubbishy songs in a girl’s voice. Jessica Simpson can shed her sexual napalm reputation and go back to being musical napalm. And, now that he’s sorted everything out, Billy Corgan can return to Jessica Simpson’s arms and have lots of really graphic, slow motion sex with lots of close-ups of his gurning face twisted into an uncomfortably large number of nightmarish orgasmic faces. So, in a way, everyone wins.
Except you, obviously. You’ve got that mental image to carry around with you all day. Sorry.
Got that Friday feeling have you, yeah? Happy that the days are getting longer and spring is almost here, yeah? Well tough, because here’s ImmorTall – the saddest game in all the world.
We can’t tell you too much about ImmorTall, because that would spoil the severe emotional jolt you’re bound to experience at the end, but we can tell you a few things. Like, for instance, you’re an alien. And you move with the arrow keys. And it’s sad. It’s so unremittingly sad that you’re bound to spend all weekend shut away under your duvet, weeping. So, you know, have fun with it.
Good news, world! American Idol has picked its final 12 contestants, which means that American Idol will be over in…
What? Three months? That’s ages away! Oh, this isn’t the good news that we originally thought it was. But, hey, at least the last few weeks have conclusively shown that this is the most talented crop of contestants that American Idol has ever seen, right?
What? By common consensus this is the least-talented group of American Idol contestants in the show’s history? This news keeps getting worse and worse! Next you’ll be telling us that the winner of American Idol will end up releasing some sort of second-rate, hackily generic power ballad as their first single? WHAT? The WILL? Oh, this isn’t our day at all. Meet the American Idol final 12 after the jump…
Didi Benami – Comprehensively bland 23-year-old who appears to like Fleetwood Mac a bit too much, which is to say more than not at all. Incidentally, when people say her name, be sure to reply “I don’t know, did he?” Try it, and she almost definitely hasn’t heard it before.
Crystal Bowersox - The one to beat, apparently. Some say she’s the new Kelly Clarkson, which is great because it means she’ll win American Idol, make a genuinely terrible musical with the runner-up, stop being famous and make everyone think she’s a lesbian. Fun!
Lacey Brown – Name like a prostitute, face like Sharon Osbourne after a household incident, voice like a kitten being kicked in the nutsack. Not even the American Idol judges like her, so it’s probably not worth remembering her name.
Lee DeWyze – He has a guitar, he’s slightly podgy and he doesn’t shave very often. Wait, he’s that idiot boyfriend you had in college, isn’t he?
Andrew Garcia – Andrew Garcia’s favourite quote is ‘live for today’. Really it should be ‘get some singing lessons and a personality transplant for tomorrow’ – but kids today, they never listen.
Casey James – Legitimately annoying sub-Nickelback berk with a girl’s haircut. Says he’s apparently influenced by ‘everything I hear’. In which case he should phone us up, because we’ve got a song called Casey James Is A Spakplank that should influence him plenty.
Aaron Kelly – Only 16 years old, so it’d be wrong to insult him here. That said, he’s consistently terrible at everything he does and we hope he fails at the very first opportunity.
Michael Lynche – You know how, every year on American Idol, one of the contestants has to occasionally wear a hat? Yeah, it’s him. He’s quite good, too. Comparatively. Which doesn’t really say a lot.
Siobhan Magnus – Siobhan has a nose-ring and lives her life by the motto ’sing as if no one were listening’. Again, it should probably be ’sing in tune and sort your posture out’, but we’re not going to mess with her. She’s got a nose-ring, for crying out loud.
Paige Miles – One of the only American Idol contestants who actually looks pleased to be there this year. But the judges really don’t like her, so let’s hope she’s just as pleased about dwindling in obscurity for the rest of her life, right Paige?
Katie Stevens – 17 years old. Smile like a possessed Chucky doll. That’s literally all.
Tim Urban – Say stop when you start disliking Tim Urban – he’s influenced by John Mayer, he’s got a haircut that makes him look like the black sheep of the Osmond family, he’s… oh, you said stop immediately after we mentioned John Mayer? Yeah, us too.
The main problem with famous people is that they have such trouble keeping their underpants on. Everyone’s at it these days. It’s all sex here, sex over there, more sex here again. Do an interview, have a bit of sex. Sing a song, then have sex. Go to an awards show, have sex with someone first.
The latest celebrity having sex with people who aren’t his wife is Mark Owen – the cute little gentleman from Take That. The one who looks like the main character in an imaginary film called Hobbits – Lost in Miami.
Only, whilst the funny little people in that movie would just wander around looking confused and overawed by everything – even everyday items like kettles, or ironing boards - in real life Mark has been busily showing strangers his penis.
So, with that in mind, we thought it high time to list some famous people who DEFINITELY would not cheat on you if you got married…
Britney Spears
Yes, this one might come as a shock to some, being that Britney doesn’t tend to wash herself or bother with things like bras – normally tell tale signs that a lady might be dabbling in prostitution/crack, but not here. No, these are signals that smack of a woman who doesn’t want to attract the kind of smooth talkers who specialise in having rampant affairs with glamorous celebrities. She just wants a man who will love her for the terrifying maniac that she is. That could be you.
Joe Jonas
The Jonas Brothers have made a solemn vow never to have sex with anyone without first getting written permission from God. In infidelity terms, this can only be a good thing. But as with any family, you must beware the first born, and the last – they’re the most likely to skid off the rails, and succumb to the temptation of a frantic liaison with a girl who snuck onto the tour bus. Go for the level head in the middle – Joe. You know what they say, once a virgin always a virgin. Actually, that last bit’s not strictly true.
Geri Halliwell
My God, Geri Halliwell would love you. Love you with a blistering intensity that would blow your mind. No chance of any illicit sex here, because the woman would be too busy clinging onto your waist, begging that you outline exactly what it is that you love about her again… every damn day for the rest of your life. We’ll be honest, in this scenario, you’re the most likely party to slope off looking for cheap thrills. If only to forget. Just for a few stolen moments.
Tom Cruise
Remember, having a sexual affair with someone is very time consuming, and probably quite tiring too. Tom Cruise would be far too busy for that kind of nonsense – what with his career as a movie star, his pledge to rid the world of lizard-people (who are EVERYWHERE, by the way), and all the time spent at dinner parties, attempting to passive-aggressively make everyone like him. Sex just doesn’t even come into it.
Cliff Richard
Cliff doesn’t do sex.
This was a guest blog by Josh Burt from Interestment Comedy, which you will probably love
Magic: is it actually real, a clever illusion or just a load of made-up bollocks?
Despite it being more of a myth, millions of wacky Michael Jackson fans are wondering if their idol will one day reappear in a puff of smoke with the seven of hearts in his palm. Anyone with a grain of intelligence will know that poor old Michael won’t be coming back any time soon.
But tell that to Uri Geller, who was roped in to help prove that a conspiracy theory whipped up by teenager Tom Pickering – claiming that Michael Jackson is alive – could be plausible and not a load of twoddle. Though we assume it is.
The never-ending saga that is the death of Michael Jackson has been going on for longer than anyone imagined. After all, his body has been cut up and dissected, buried in a coffin with gold foil wrapped around it and his chum Dr. Conrad Murray has been accused of manslaughter. That’s right Uri Geller. Ruddy manslaughter – that means that someone is dead.
Even David Gest and June Sarpong hosted a show with rubbish dead people talker Derek Acorah, where Derek talked to Michael Jackson’s ghost because he is dead. They weren’t able to afford Bruce Willis. In a special Sky One live séance, Derek took some emotional unstable Michael Jackson fans, creepy stalker fans and fans that had plastic surgery like their hero to recreate that wonky nose look. And guess what? It worked.
In the amazing one hour time slot dedicated to the seance, Derek managed to speak to Michael Jackson. Did he ask the all important questions that all Michael Jackson fans wanted to hear? No, instead he passed on stupid messages. Utterly rubbish. He never even made Derek Acorah do the moonwalk or touch his crotch.
So, Uri Geller. What’s he all about then? If you have spoons, then you’d better chuffing run as he makes them bend like crazy. And that’s all he does. Seriously, he didn’t appear on a reality show or bum a famous person. He makes metal objects bend. But he was Michael Jackson’s friend, and he clings on to this fact. Kind of what dog shit does on a fresh pair of white Adidas trainers.
Anything involving his late mate would make him instantly run to the Geller-copter to see what the fuss was about. This week sees the spoon-bender come to face with young conspiracy theorist Tom Pickering, who believes something was a bit fishy about Jackson’s cardiac arrest and weak pulse. He told getreading.co.uk
“It didn’t seem to add up because that is not the kind of thing you associate with a cardiac arrest and when I started to look into it, there were other people thinking the same thing. I was never a huge fan of Michael Jackson although I always appreciated his music but the circumstances surrounding his death seem too suspicious. If you listen to This Is It backwards, it refers to how he wants to leave the world but he is still alive. It is a clear message.”
So when the spoon-bender met Tom Pickering, did he bang heads with the youngster and explain to him that Michael is dead? No, he released this stupid generic statement:
“Tom has some very interesting viewpoints and some of the evidence is very compelling but there are always conspiracy theories around legends like Michael.”
Legend? It’s not like he was a pirate or something. We’re not writing books about him called Michael Jackson And The Curse Of The Emerald Seagull. Come on Uri, sort it out. Or at least learn to bend some forks.
Think it’s still a load of monkey bollocks like us? Well check out the website that was set up by Tom Pickering. Convincing, huh?
Oh God, oh God, ohgodohgodohgod! We can’t breathe! Eclipse is coming! It’s the new Twilight film! IT’S COMING!
We’re SO EXCITED! So when we heard that there was an Eclipse teaser trailer on the internet, we almost wet our pants. Then we watched it, realised that nothing actually happens in it and wet our pants anyway because OH GOD IT’S ROBERT PATTINSON! He looks even more like a creepy aristocratic heroin addict than EVER! Eclipse is going to RULE so HARD!
But anyway, we’ve decided to break down the new Eclipse teaser trailer into all its important parts for you. Why, because we love you. No, not really – we actually find you sort of repulsive. But arse-all else has happened today, and we’d be foolish not to take the chance to wind up some boggle-eyed 13-year-old girls when the opportunity presented itself, wouldn’t we?
So then, here’s the brand new Eclipse teaser trailer in all its glory. Ready?
What? You missed it? Was it because you were too busy bouncing up and down with unbridled glee at the thought of more Twilight films? Or was it because you blinked once and missed most of it? Or was it because, even though the trailer’s only ten seconds long, you realised that it was going to be boring and pointless and for a film that’s bound to be a load of donkey bollocks anyway and therefore decided to spend the time doing something more worthwhile like poking at your fingernail or wondering what accents dogs have or just crying?
It doesn’t matter, because we’ve decoded the Eclipse trailer’s most important moments for you, scene by scene. This will clear everything up. Trust us…
ECLIPSE TRAILER SCENE 1
Here we see Robert Pattinson and… ugh, is thatKristen Stewart? Ugh, get your hands off Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart you bitch! We’re the ones who love him! Us! Do you practice your signature over and over again with your last name changed to ‘Pattinson’ so you know what it’ll look like when Robert Pattinson marries you? No? We do. Do you have a Twilight poster of Robert Pattinson that hasn’t got a face because you’ve licked clean through it? No? We do? Do you keep a collection of all the knickers you’ve ever involuntarily urinated in because you suddenly thought of Robert Pattinson? No? We do. SO HANDS OFF HIM PLEASE. THANKS.
ECLIPSE TRAILER SCENE 2
Here Robert Pattinson says “I know the consequences of the choice you’re making,” and Kristen Stewart gets all like “What choice? The choice to make five whole bloody Twilight films? The choice where the consequences involve getting followed around by millions of panda-faced 12-year-old sub-emos who keep calling me Bella all the time for the rest of my life and I can’t get any work afterwards that doesn’t involve me going googly-eyed at a fucking vampire? Yeah, I know the consequences of that choice, too. They’re shit consequences.”
ECLIPSE TRAILER SCENE 3
Oh for heaven’s sake, put it away for once you bloody prostitute.
ECLIPSE TRAILER SCENE 4
Here Taylor Lautner remembers to put a shirt on FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME IN HISTORY and says “I’m gonna fight for you, until your heart stops beating.”
ECLIPSE TRAILER SCENE 5
Here Kristen Stewart gets all like “Until my heart stops beating? UNTIL MY HEART STOPS BEATING? Seriously, that’s pretty creepy. Look, Taylor, I appreciate that you’ve managed to figure out how clothes work and everything, but you sounded like the worst kind of pervert nutter just then. Come to think of it, I’m probably just going to go and shack up with Robert Pattinson now. He might smell and have gypsy hair, but at least he doesn’t creep me out as much as you do. I just hope he doesn’t get me pregnant and then bite through my uterus. LOL!”
Kids these days don’t know they’re born. What did we have to play with growing up? Lumps of coal and dysentery, that’s what.
But today’s kids? They’re so lucky. Do you know how hard it is for a six-year-old boy to create a overtly sexist tableaux of alienation, ruthlessness and mid-century social mobility with bits of coal? It’s almost completely impossible. The new generation of children, however, don’t have to put any of the legwork in – because a new range of Barbie dolls based on the hit TV show Mad Men has just been released.
It’s a genius idea, and one that we hope catches on soon. Because Mad Men Barbies are one thing, but a range of Transformers based on Stephen Poliakoff’s 2006 television play Gideon’s Daughter? There isn’t a child in the land who wouldn’t want to unwrap that on Christmas day, surely.
For all the mountains of Doctor Who action figures around, the world of television merchandise is still lacking somewhat. For instance, we’d pay an entire year’s wages if it meant we could have an official LostClaire’s Nightmarish Animal Skull Baby of our very own. And we’ve lusted after a Jack Bauer’s My First Unethical Yet Necessary Torture Kit for years now. But, after becoming fans of Mad Men, there has been one item that we’ve wanted more than anything.
That’s right, a miniature official Mad MenDon Draper doll that appears to have stolen Dracula’s hair, wears more mascara than Amy Winehouse after a night out on the crack and walks about in a suit so monumentally ill-fitting that he sort of looks like an undead teenager on the first day of a court case. And now, thanks to the super-brains at Mattel, that’s exactly what we’ve got. Hooray!The New York Times reports:
The dolls are part of a premium-price collectors’ series for adults that Mattel calls the Barbie Fashion Model Collection, with a suggested retail price of $74.95 each… “The dolls, we feel, do a great job of embodying the series,” said Stephanie Cota, senior vice president for Barbie marketing at Mattel in El Segundo, Calif. “Certain things are appropriate, and certain things aren’t.”
There’s a picture of the Mad Men Barbie dolls here. At least we assume that it’s a picture of the Mad Men Barbie dolls – it could just as easily be a picture of the Jenny Celerier From The Apprentice A Couple Of Years Ago Barbie doll, the Before And After Just For Men Masculine Hair Dye Ken dolls and an actual Barbie doll that’s had nothing done to it whatsoever.
But let’s just believe that they’re the real Mad Men Barbie dolls, though, even though the Roger Sterling doll sadly isn’t in blackface. Maybe that’ll be a limited edition doll in the future.
Just when you thought that they couldn’t force out any more Bloons spin-offs, they’ve gone and done it. But Bloons Super Monkey is different.
Bloons Super Monkey is more like an old-fashioned shoot ‘em up than anything – your monkey has to pop all of the balloons that come pouring down on him from above. As you’d expect from a Bloons game, you can upgrade your weapons all the time until you’ve got what seems like hundreds off weapons blowing up at once in thousands of different colours. It goes on forever, too, which led us to play a little game of our own, called Which Happens First: The End Of The Game Of Our First Seizure? You’ll like it.
Corey Haim – star of The Lost Boys, Crank 2 and the song Whatever Happened To Corey Haim by The Thrills – has died.
He was 38. Early reports suggest that Corey Haim was killed by an overdose, although – given his high-profile addictions to crack and alcohol – it would appear that prescription medication did him in. Just like they did in Heath Ledger. And Brittany Murphy. And DJ AM. And Anna Nicole Smith. And Michael Jackson.
However, we need to wait for the official autopsy and toxicology reports to return before we can say exactly what killed Corey Haim. All we can say for sure is that his death was tragic but not completely unexpected. And also that The Thrills must be feeling like a right bunch of bastards today.
Although he hasn’t been a household name for about 20 years, Corey Haim was still well-known for several reasons. There was his acting, of course, which led to him starring in films like Lucas, The Lost Boys and License To Drive and, later, films like Crank 2, The Lost Boys 2 and Universal Groove. Then there was his romantic life, which saw him briefly date the likes of Alyssa Milano and Victoria Beckham. And then there were his addictions.
In his time, Corey Haim was addicted to everything from alcohol to cocaine to crack, although – judging by the four bottles of pills found in his apartment – it seems likely that he died of an overdose of prescription medication, just like almost every other celebrity death we’ve ever reported. The Boston Herald reports:
The Canadian-born actor was pronounced dead at the Providence St. Joseph Medical Center in Burbank. There was no sign of foul play. “As he got out of bed, he felt a little weak and went down to the floor on his knees,” Assistant Chief Coroner Ed Winter said. His mother called paramedics. A close friend of the actor told RadarOnline.com that Haim had been abusing prescription drugs in his final days.
As sad as Corey Haim’s death is, it’s not the last we’ll hear from him. Buoyed by by his appearance on slightly exploitative reality show The Two Coreys, Haim was just starting to up his work ethic again before he died. That means that, though he may be gone in person, films of his such as New Terminal Hotel, American Sunset and Decisions are yet to be released. Will any of them net Corey Haim a posthumous Oscar like The Dark Knight did for Heath Ledger? Probably not, no.
We are starting to think that Crank 2 is cursed, though. First David Carradine puts on women’s underwear and hangs himself in a hotel cupboard, and now Corey Haim dies of a suspected overdose? If we were Jason Statham, we’d be terrified.
Matt Damon joins the legions of celebrities whining about problems that you wish you could have.
For instance no one else in this world would be able to whine about getting Brad Pitt’s soggy leftovers, and get away with it.
The actor, best known for movies that don’t suck a rusty bolt/ having the good manners to know how to act, gave an interview with The Sunday Times. To be clear, no, we have not yet graduated from our beloved comics to fancy-people newspapers. Though, on occasion, we do need to crack open a page or two. Just to see what all the fuss is about.
The star, a 2010 Oscar nominee and 1997 Oscar winner, is not exactly what we’d call hard done by. Perhaps, in this instance, he would qualify as down on his luck. But little orphan Timmy would probably be able to argue that his own life is harder still. Matt spoke to the paper about lots of sensible grown up things that made our little heads hurt. But then we noticed an utterance about Brad and so we popped an Anadinand soldiered on. The subject of his interview somehow veered onto how Matt’s whole carer had been about other actors’ sloppy seconds.
From Hollyscoop:
Matt seems to think his whole career has been about picking up other’s leftovers. “You could accuse me of piggybacking on other people’s brilliance more than anything,” he explained.
The whole thing reads as though the seconds we’re talking about are day-old pizza, rather than steak.
Damon says most of his success comes from piggybacking off actors like Brad who are always offered roles before he is. “I think the roles go to Brad first. Which is fine,” he told the Sunday Times. “Ask anybody on the street which actors starred in the Ocean’s movies, and they’ll tell you it was George and Brad. I’m ‘support’ in Ocean’s . As I was in Saving Private Ryan — Tom Hanks carried that movie.
Um – we don’t know about you – but that sounds fine to us. He carried the Bourne movies just fine. And as we mentioned he has won a ruddy Oscar. Sure, it was over 10 years ago. Perhaps those things expire or something. But at least he won something.
We are going to go out on a limb, and open lines of communication with Matt. Purdy please, with sugar and cherries on top. Can we have the sloppy, um, thirds?
This was a guest blog by Amy Grindhouse. Bloody YAY!
Tron: Legacy is undoubtedly the most feverishly-anticipated movie of the year if you’re a boy of very specific age.
And now there’s a Tron: Legacy trailer! Exciting! But what does it show? Will it be as good as the original Tron? What’s the Daft Punk soundtrack like? Has Jeff Bridges shaved off that silly beard yet? What is a Tron, anyway?
Frankly, if you watch the Tron: Legacy trailer, you’ll end up none the wiser. It’s all flash-flash and bang-bang and you may as well be peering into a distorted kaleidoscope while nightmarish circus music plays in the background for all the good it’ll do, if we’re honest. But never fear – we’ve taken the Tron: Legacy trailer and broken it down scene by scene. You’ll find it much easier to work out what’s going on afterwards, we promise…
Without any further ado, here’s the Tron: Legacy trailer in full…
No, us neither. Not a bloody clue. Honestly, we may as well have been watching a mid-1970s Kurdish public information claymation film about the dangers of angry horses for all the information we managed to get out of it. Never feature, we’re going to decode the crap out of the Tron: Legacy trailer for you, in incredible detail. Ready?
TRON: LEGACY TRAILER SCENE 1
Here we meet our new hero. As you can see, he’s quite good at motorbikes. But don’t bother remembering that, because it almost certainly won’t be important to the plot in any way.
TRON: LEGACY TRAILER SCENE 2
Here’s a close-up reminder of the name of the film - Encom TRON Encom. Although technically we think this film is really called Encom TRON Encom: Legacy or Encom TRON Encom 2: The Legacy or Encom TRON Encom 2: Legacy – The Squeakquel. Truth be told, we just don’t know.
TRON: LEGACY TRAILER SCENE 3
Cool, it’s the Batmobile! Um, we mean the Tronmobile! Batmotron? Tratmoquad? Oh, screw this. It’s the bloody Batmobile, OK?
TRON: LEGACY TRAILER SCENE 4
This is where Tron: Legacy lays out its cards most explicitly. It’s The Matrix… BUT WITH FRISBEES! Also, depending on the gender of the genitalia we’re staring up at, this is either the sexiest or most repulsive scene from the Tron: Legacy trailer.
TRON: LEGACY TRAILER SCENE 5
Oh, great, we didn’t know that Kim Cattrall was going to be in this. Hello, Kim! We loved you in Honeymoon Academy! Nice glass penis!
TRON: LEGACY TRAILER SCENE 6
Holy crap, it’s OSCAR WINNING ACTOR JEFF BRIDGES! And he’s still got his Crazy Heart beard, too! Maybe at some point in Tron: Legacy he’ll sing a downhome country and western song about the Sapphire HD5850 1GB GDDR5 Graphics Card or something. Fun!
TRON: LEGACY TRAILER SCENE 7
Oh wait, it looks like the motorbike scene from earlier in the trailer was important after all. We sure didn’t see that coming. Also, there’s speculation that one of the riders in this scene is actually The Stig from Top Gear. We hope that’s true, because that would increase the likelihood of Tron: Legacy containing a scene where someone throws a red tortoise shell at Jeremy Clarkson and he explodes. Fingers crossed!
David Letterman is the luckiest man alive – his extorter has pleaded guilty AND he gets to have sex with his staff.
We wish we were him. But anyway, back to the extortion thing. You may remember that CBS producer Robert Halderman had attempted to blackmail David Letterman out of $2 million with information that Letterman had, on occasion, slept with female members of his staff. Well, now Halderman has pleaded guilty to grand larceny as part of a deal that’ll see him put in jail for six months.
Really, everyone wins this way. Halderman gets a reduced sentence, David Letterman can begin to get on with his life and Tiger Woods gets a timely reminder that he isn’t the only funny-looking millionaire who dicks around from time to time. Everyone wins.
Honestly, this extortion scandal couldn’t have worked out better for David Letterman. When it broke, his refreshingly candid onscreen confession was a ratings winner, finally allowing him to become the most-watched late night host in America again. Then Tiger Woods came along and blew his little scandal clean out of the water. Then his merciless demolition of Jay Leno during the Tonight Show wars consolidated his success, then his Super Bowl advert with Jay Leno showed that he could be the nice guy too.
And now Robert Halderman has pleaded guilty to extorting David Letterman just as Jay Leno got The Tonight Show back, which means that everybody will be tuning in to see Letterman give his side of the story. He’s hardly put a foot wrong throughout any of this. He’s put his penis in the wrong place, admittedly, but you have to admire where his feet have been.
But the point is that Robert Halderman has pleaded guilty in a deal that effectively shaved 14 and a half years off his prison sentence. Here’s how Reuters reported it – and, incidentally, you should absolutey click on that link, because it contains a photo of a policeman pulling the single most disapproving face you will ever see:
Robert Joel Halderman reached a deal with prosecutors in which he pleaded guilty to attempted grand larceny in exchange for serving six months in jail, performing 1,000 hours of community service and giving up his right to appeal. Halderman, appearing in front of New York State Supreme Court Justice Charles Solomon, said he felt “great remorse” for his actions and apologized to Letterman.
At least now everything can go back to normal. Halderman can slowly learn the error of his ways and realise that blackmail is never the answer. David Letterman’s wife can start drawing up a contract saying that she’ll get most of his money if he ever sleeps around again. And, most importantly, the general public can gradually lose interest in David Letterman and start watching Jay Leno in their millions again. Because the general public are nobsacks.
The problem with Tiger Woods isn’t that he has an addictive personality – it’s that he’s only addicted to really crap things.
Like golf, for example. And having it away with millions of bulge-lipped, pleatheresque titty models behind his wife’s back. And now it seems that Tiger Woods has developed a new addiction – apologising. Following Friday’s display of teary-eyed contrition, Tiger Woods has now decided to apologise to all the parents at his children’s preschool as well.
That’s not because of all the unwanted media intrusion that his indiscretions have put them through, you understand. It’s because, at some point between the year 2030 and the year 2040, Tiger Woods is probably going to have sex with most of their daughters. He’s just getting the apologies out of the way in advance.
We didn’t cover the big Tiger Woods apology on Friday, partly because we assumed that you’d be sick of hearing about it and partly because we could only find fault with it. Because, seriously, it would have saved everyone an awful lot of time if he’d just bought a giant latex anus, written the word ‘Gillette’ across it in marker pen and then spent five full minutes giving it the tonguing of its life. The message would have basically been the same, anyway.
However, much like having illicit extramarital sexual intercourse with a leathery old nylon-haired hag with too many vowels in her name, apologising once isn’t enough. You start to get a kick out of apologising, finding excuses to apologise again and again, often in depraved and experimental ways, until one day your wife discovers how much you like apologising and chases you around with a golf club until you crash your car into a tree in the middle of the night.
And Tiger Woods’ new apology addiction has manifested itself most recently in a letter to the parents of the children at his daughter’s preschool. According to reports, Tiger and his wife Elin Nordegren say in the letter:
“We would like to share our appreciation for your support over the past several months and offer our personal apology for any inconvenience you are experiencing due to the increased media scrutiny surrounding our children. We truly understand how frustrating it can be. We hope that the paparazzi will find something better to do with their time in the near future.”
Good. Now that’s dealt with, Tiger Woods can continue working down his apology checklist until literally every single human being on the face of the planet fully understands the scale of his contrition. Or, at the very least, until he’s allowed to start advertising shaving gel for a living again. Mainly just that last one, actually.
Christina Hendricks is fooling no one, the cheeky strumpet. Christina is on the cover of New York magazine’s latest issue. More specifically, her milkmaid-sized comedy breasts are falling out of a too-tight corset on the cover of New York magazine.
Putting her on the cover dressed like that is a foolish move on the part of the publication. Foolish because distributing hard copies of this magazine could lead to multi-buys on a scale never seen before. Store shelves could be stripped bare. People would be wrestling each other for issues. Blood may be spilled in the aisles – the horror.
There wouldn’t be paper or ink enough to keep up with the demand. Supply of all of the aforementioned would be exhausted. Your children’s children will be writing with sticks in the mud, after the world is stripped of vital supplies; they’ll have her to thank.
Where were we? Oh yes. Christina the red-headed milkmaid, graces the cover of a fancy magazine. She poses in clothes, says things, and may mention the cure for cancer somewhere in her interview. But it doesn’t really matter. No one is paying attention to anything the poor woman says.
From New York magazine:
Christina Hendricks thinks all the talk about her body is a little embarrassing. It’s not as if she has an extra limb, after all. She just has an especially attractive version of the same thing women have had forever—curves—but she happens to have them in a profession where women haven’t for quite some time. “It kind of hurt my feelings at first,” she says. “Anytime someone talks about your figure constantly, you get nervous, you get really self-conscious. I was working my butt off on the show, and then all anyone was talking about was my body!”
From what I inferred from her interview, she fulfilled her own stereotypes and just talked about her body for a good chunk of her time. She shoehorns something in there about Mad Men – but we at hecklerspray are too busy watching Rex The Runt re-runs online to tear ourselves away and watch proper grown up television.
The grown up actress, of a grown up show tried to give a grown up interview. However, she was cajoled into talking about her cleavage in the world’s longest interview:
You can see why all the focus on how big the chest, how narrow the waist, how round the hips could drive an actor—anyone—insane, but people were only noticing Christina Hendricks’s body because they were finally noticing Christina Hendricks. “It might sound silly,” she says, “but I didn’t realize I was so different. I was just oblivious. Sometimes I would go on an audition and someone would say something like, Girl, you’re refreshing! That was it.”
This was a guest blog by Amy Grindhouse. By jimminy, she’s wonderful
Just a hunch, but this Tiger Woods stuff means that we could soon see the world’s bitterest divorce.
Actually, that probably needs a qualifier. We could soon see the world’s bitterest divorce not to feature a one-legged woman and an old man who looks like your grandmother. There, that’s better.
What makes us so certain of the bitterness? Well, following the crash that was allegedly prompted by Elin Nordegren’s discovery of a rumoured affair between Tiger Woods and Rachel Uchitel, another woman has come forward to claim that she had an affair with Tiger Woods, too. What is it about billionaire athlete Tiger Woods that attracts all these dead-eyed bimbos? Maybe we’ll never know.
We’re starting to believe that we can’t trust a single thing about. Take this old classic advert of all the kids saying “I’m Tiger Woods.” No they’re not. None of them are Tiger Woods. If they were, then they’d be crashing their little toy cars into fire hydrants and fighting off their violently angry wives who just caught them shagging a load of bimbos. Or something. Anyway, you get the point.
But still, at least it’s starting to blow over. Despite the lunatic circumstances of his crash, Tiger’s tactic of complete radio silence – combined with Rachel Uchitel’s insistence that she didn’t have an affair with Tiger – has ensured that this story will soon wither up and die. After all, it’s not as if there are legions of other women who are just waiting to come forward and tell the world that they had sex with Tiger Wood upwards of 20 times, is there. Is there,New York Post?
Jaimee Grubbs, a sexy, 24-year-old LA cocktail waitress, said she had her first of 20 wild sex romps with Woods in mid-April 2007, two days after she met him at a Las Vegas club. She said they headed to his hotel room for dinner. But “he just grabbed me and kissed me, and we started taking our clothes off and had sex,” said Grubbs, who has appeared on the VH1 dating reality show “Tool Academy.”
Oh come on. Your name is Tiger Woods, for crying out loud – part virile jungle animal and part euphemism for erection – so you were always going to get it in the neck if people started accusing you of affairs. But to allegedly have an affair with a woman from a TV show called Tool Academy? That’s just asking for trouble. Our advice to you – and God knows you need it, Tiger Woods – is to start screening your prospective mistresses by name before you end up cheating on your wife with a failed Bond girl called Areola Gineywobble.
Anyway, the gates are open now, so it won’t be long before someone else comes along to claim that Tiger Woods had it off with them. Who will it be? We have no idea. But our fist guess would be Michelle Wie, on the basis that a) she hangs around the golf circuit a lot, b) she’s a woman and c) her surname sounds like something funny that you do with your willy. That’s practically a perfect fit.
So Adam Lambert from AI kissed a man at the AMAs and GMA freaked out until CBS gave him some TLC. OK?
Yes, that’s perfectly clear. Although Good Morning America had scrapped an Adam Lambert performance in the wake of the kiss, in case he suddenly went all gay and started bumming a cameraman or something, CBS’s The Early Show had no such qualms. That’s why Adam Lambert appeared on the show in all his gay glory yesterday.
OK, not all his gay glory. The Early Show actually blurred out Adam Lambert’s kiss, despite showing an uncensored version of the Madonna/ Britney Spears kiss moments later. Which is obviously controversial because Madonna’s like all old and crap, and that’s worse.
For the briefest of moments this week, The Early Show looked like a hero. Thanks to Adam Lambert’s decision to use the American Music Awards as an excuse to kiss one man and try to take out someone’s eye with his groin, it looked as if he’d ruined his chances of ever appearing on television again. Good Morning America cancelled a scheduled Adam Lambert performance, on the off-chance that he’d turn up in ball gag and wipe sperm everywhere, and that threatened to be the case everywhere else, too.
But then The Early Show stepped in. It offered Adam Lambert a spot where nobody else would – a spot where Adam could be as creative and flamboyant and every other euphemism for homosexual as he liked. So long as he didn’t kiss any men, though. Because that’s a bit gross.
You see, while discussing the Adam Lambert controversy, The Early Show played a clip of his American Music Awards kiss. The thing is, the kiss itself was deliberately blurred out. To make matters worse, The Early Show then played a clip of Madonna kissing Britney Spears in 2003 and left it completely unblurred, allowing everyone at home to see Madonna’s aged old tongue flopping about inside Britney’s mouth like a bird trying to feed a partially-digested earthworm to its baby.
And guess what? Now The Early Show is the bad guy, too. But it’s not going down without a fight, as EW reports:
An Early Show rep sent EW this statement: “We gave this some real thought. The Madonna image is very familiar and has appeared countless times including many times on morning television. The Adam Lambert image is a subject of great current controversy, has not been nearly as widely disseminated, and for all we know, may still lead to legal consequences.”
You know what? It’s Kris Allen who we feel most sorry for here. After all, he beat Adam Lambert to the American Idol title, so it should be him getting all this publicity. It’s not too late for him, though – he’s lined up to appear at the People’s Choice Awards in January, so maybe he can claw some limelight back by wanking off a horse or something.
How are you this moment? I hope fine,I will really like to have a good relationship with you, and I have a special reason why I decided to contact you. please contact me via email (beatrizkhalifa86@yahoo.com) I will expect from you soon.
We confess that we’re new to these Katydid And Ant games, but let’s make up for our lateness by being needlessly enthusiastic about them.
Katydid And Ant 3 is amazing. All you do is flick through some screens, interact with stuff in various fiendish ways and then win. It’s cute, it’s brilliant and, if you know what you’re doing, it should be over in about 30 seconds. We didn’t know what we were doing when we played Katydid And Ant 3, so it took 20 minutes. We are rubbish.
How are you this moment? I hope fine,I will really like to have a good relationship with you, and I have a special reason why I decided to contact you. please contact me via email (beatrizkhalifa86@yahoo.com) I will expect from you soon.
This Roman Polanski thing is tricky, isn’t it? On one hand he’s been convicted for having unlawful sex with a child.
Then again, Rosemary’s Baby was quite good. Oh, it’s such a dilemma! But at least the Swiss authorities know what to do with Roman Polanski – they’ve granted him bail, so that he can await his extradition back to America under house arrest in the untempered luxury of his Swiss chalet. And it seems like a good idea, too, because it’s not like Roman Polanski has a habit of fleeing the country while he awaits sentencing or anything, is it?
Hey, wait a minute.
You might say that Roman Polanski has already served his sentence for having unlawful sex with a 13-year-old girl – after all, he’s been forced to spend the last 30 years living in mainland Europe, and if three decades of female armpit hair, suspect-looking sausages and alarming red-faced fat men in lederhosen constantly trying to slap your buttock isn’t a fittingly harrowing punishment, we don’t know what is – but tell that to America.
The American authorities have spent 30 years trying to pin Roman Polanski down while he constantly goaded them by appearing at the end of Rush Hour 3 and making versions of Oliver! where nobody even sings any songs about food, but now they’ve got him. Roman Polanski was arrested at a Swiss airport in September, and he’s been in jail awaiting extradition ever since.
Until now, that is, because a Swiss court has just granted Roman Polanksi bail, meaning that he can wait for his extradition under house arrest in his Swiss chalet. The Los Angeles Times reports:
A Swiss Justice Ministry spokesman said that the court approved a $4.5-million bail for the famed director, who faces extradition to Los Angeles to be sentenced for unlawful intercourse with a 13-year-old girl more than three decades ago. Under the bail plan, Polanski would be under electronic monitoring at his Swiss chalet until the justice system decides whether he should be sent to Los Angeles.
We can’t but feel that this is a mistake. Not only does Roman Polanski have a proven history of running away whenever it looks like he’s about to go to jail, but letting him loose in Switzerland seems like a particularly bad idea. What if he goes mad and gets his hands on one of the country’s most dangerous products, like a cuckoo clock or some fancy chocolate or a well-made watch or something? We’d all be done for, that’s what.
Not that we can see what all the fuss is about. At worst, Roman Polanski would only have to face two years in jail. And he’s already had to put up with 30 years of silly little cars and supermarkets that don’t smell quite right, so it’ll be a walk in the park in comparison.
How are you this moment? I hope fine,I will really like to have a good relationship with you, and I have a special reason why I decided to contact you. please contact me via email (beatrizkhalifa86@yahoo.com) I will expect from you soon.
Amy Winehouse has taken a rare wrong turn in her otherwise nondescript life. Thus far, her life has been about merry walks in the park on sunny days and staying as far away as she can from yucky things like crack.
There has been a rumour going around the Webernets today that Amy Winehouse might be going back to her ex-husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, for the millionth time. Perhaps we are operating under some kind of misguided naivete here – but as sure as crack is whack we are going to have faith inAmy’s decision-making and choose to believe that today’s rumours of an unwashed reconciliation are untrue.
Our favourite newspaper that’s never wrong (except for when they are) – The News of The World – is reporting that the destructive couple are headed back down the aisle.
Watching this pair dribble, bleed, and not change their clothes for an entire year nearly robbed us of our will to cop off with strange people at bars of questionable repute. After all, the couple who get collapsed veins together stays together – until they beat the crap out of each other and decide having a nice cup of tea would be a lot less stressful.
Cups of tea are ten a penny, but there’s no price you can put on the guy who got you hooked on hard narcotics. Blake could have gotten Amy hooked on anything – Pop Tarts, those little penny sweets they used to sell in Woolies- but no, he chose something 50% less tasty and 100% more illegal.
According to the rumours, Amy went against the grain and proposed. Her ex-husband is reported to have slurred something that sounded like the word “Yes”, and they may be married in three months time.
From The News of the World:
Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil are planning to marry again – in just three months’ time. The troubled singer proposed to her ex-hubby and he said Yes! Yes! Yes! Blake told a close pal: “We both know we’ve only ever been divorced on paper. This is the right thing to do.”
You’ll understand then why we think it’s a bloomin’ awful idea for these two train wrecks to get back together. The only thing that could possibly be worse, or result in the world coming to a calamitous end a little faster, is the return of Jedwardto X Factor. It sends shivers down our spines just to think about it, but we really do need to impress upon you the gravity of this potential marriage of one waster to another.
[There were pictures showing] Amy, 26, flashing a sparkler on her engagement finger on Friday night. Ex-druggie Blake celebrated with a friend over a beer in Sheffield – where he is being forced to attend a rehab centre. He told the pal: “It’s the engagement ring I gave Amy the first time. I think it cost £2,000 from Tiffany. We’ve been talking on the phone five or six times a day. On Friday she told me she was going to put the engagement ring on. We’d changed our status to married on Facebook a couple of weeks back but that was more of a laugh. This is the real deal.”
This was a guest blog by Amy Grindhouse, whose loveliness you won’t need to be reminded of.
How are you this moment? I hope fine,I will really like to have a good relationship with you, and I have a special reason why I decided to contact you. please contact me via email (beatrizkhalifa86@yahoo.com) I will expect from you soon.
Right. Look. We know that just a few days ago we said that we’d written our final story about Jon and Kate Gosselin.
Clearly that turned out to be a lie. But you’ve got to believe that we wanted it to be our final story about Jon and Kate Gosselin. Their divorce settlement was finalised, their show had been taken off air – everything about them seemed like it was all tied up. But still we’re back here again. So what went wrong?
We underestimated Jon Gosselin’s relentless capacity for stupidity, that’s what. A taped phone call has emerged. It’s allegedly between Jon Gosselin and Michael Lohan. Jon complains about paedophiles at one point. We know, alright? We’re upset as you are.
Now that Jon & Kate Plus 8 has been mercifully covered with a blanket and shot in the head, it’s only a matter of time before Jon and Kate Gosselin start popping up in other places. Kate Gosselin, it’s rumoured, could end up with a reality show about being a single mother. And as for Jon Gosselin? if he isn’t given an Odd Couple-style reality TV show starring him and Michael Lohan called something like Come And Watch The Two Worst People On The Face Of The Earth Being Dicks To Everyone by this time next year, it’ll be a tragedy.
Because, christ, the two of them. They’ve both got their own individual ideas on parenting – Jon Gosselin prefers to have sex with nannies in hot tubs while his children are sleeping, Michael Lohan likes to threaten to kidnap his kids in public – but when they come together, it’s a non-stop funride of hilarity all the way. And when we say ‘hilarity’ we mean ‘genuinely creepy paranoia.
A taped phone call, ostensibly between Jon Gosselin and Michael Lohan, has hit the internet. In it, Gosselin alleges that Jon & Kate Plus 8’s network TLC took money from deals the family had made with magazines. Although that’s not quite how Jon Gosselin put it. RadarOnline reports:
It’s clear that Jon believes his (supposed) knowledge of these deals means TLC will not stop him from talking. He says “They haven’t said (bleep).” The Jon & Kate Plus 8 former star claims TLC got paid in a side deal and says “I put my kids out there to every pedophile on the planet and they never got paid for it? It’s disgusting.”
Now, part of us thinks that it might be a little late to start worrying about exposing your children to paedophiles after allowing them to star in their own TV show for two and a half years. And another part of us thinks that, regardless of this weird paedophile threat, the children would be better off if Jon Gosselin could somehow refrain from banging on about them like a twat all the time.
The biggest part of us, though, just really really wants all of the Gosselins – and Michael Lohan as well, now that he’s part of it – to be bundled into a sack and dropped off in the middle of nowhere. Please.
How are you this moment? I hope fine,I will really like to have a good relationship with you, and I have a special reason why I decided to contact you. please contact me via email (beatrizkhalifa86@yahoo.com) I will expect from you soon.
10 – GO HERE NOW! A man’s about to fly across the Atlantic on a jetpack, and you can watch it here -Challenge
9 – Dogs. Dressed as bees. Read that again. DOGS DRESSED AS BEARS! Consider your mind BLOWN – Beedogs
8 - The worst I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here line-up in history – Interestment
7 - Ever hear the one about the cosmetic products made out of Peruvian peasants? No? – SlantedScience
6 -Sarah Palin meets Sarah Palin at a Sarah Palin book signing. Quite possibly what the end of the world looks like – Bestweekever
5 - Planning to rob a bank any time soon? Then have WE got a disguise idea for YOU! – Geekologie
4 – Suri Cruise: adorable but freezing – AmyGrindhouse
3 -Inside The Actor’s Studio: Daniella Westbrook – Watchwithmothers
2 - The Sugababes have had a rough old time of it lately, but at least they’re up to speed with Windows 7. Like watching three pretty monkeys try to work the Large Hadron Collider – MyChemicalToilet
1 – Florence And The Machine. In France. In 1963. Really…
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Benjamin Linus: manipulative, Other, Black Smoke lover. There isn’t much the pupil-bulging puppet master won’t do for a slice of Island power; whether it be a spot of baby pinching, murdering omnipresent entities or just plain old blackmail. That Ben, eh? He’s a crazy coconut!
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Good times and bad times.
Someone who is much wiser than us once said that images and sounds merge together and make images on a much bigger scale. 
Lady Gaga has just released the long-awaited video to Telephone, her new single. But so bloody what, eh?
Lady Gaga, there, sporting a pair of sunglasses made of lit cigarettes. She’s a zany one, that’s for sure!
Lady Gaga getting off with Christian Slater. Or a lesbian. Oh, it’s so hard to tell these days.
Wow! Hey kids, Lady Gaga uses VIRGIN MOBILE! Because if there’s one thing that Lady Gaga loves more than generating heaps of controversy, it’s GREAT mobile coverage at a LOW LOW PRICE! Honestly, there’s nothing GAGA about wanting a cost-effective mobile phone contract!!
That’s right Madonna, TWO THUMBS UP for Virgin Mobile’s outstanding value and wonderful quality of service to both new and existing customers! We agree!!
Alright Lady Gaga, give it a sodding rest already. We get it, you like Virgin Mobile. Jesus.
Here’s Beyonce, eating a sandwich in an angry way. She probably knows that Lady Gaga has overdone the Virgin Mobile product placement, and if she doesn’t do something to change the subject pretty quickly then Richard Branson will be on the phone, shouting and howling at them both like some kind of bearded Edmondsesque banshee. But what on Earth can Beyonce do to stop people thinking about Virgin Mobile?
Oh. Right. Should have seen that coming, really.
What’s that, Lady Gaga? Virgin Mobile’s network is so strong and reliable that it even allows you to take part in crystal clear conversations if you’ve only got a lettuce or, as demonstrated by the man on the far left, two nice baguettes? That’s amazing! Virgin Mobile really must have one of the world’s finest networks. Coupled with its competitive array of tariffs, that surely puts Virgin Mobile leaps and bounds ahead of all the other mobile networks!
Oops! Beyonce has remembered that this is supposed to be a music video and not just one big long heavy-handed advert for a specific mobile network. But don’t worry, if she and Lady Gaga both dress up in a couple of ludicrous outfits and dick around like a pair of 12-year-olds at a sleepover at the end of the video, then people will forget all about the shameless huckstering they’ve just witnessed and simply get on with their day.
Job well done, girls. Job well done.
John Mayer can’t have known what sort of nightmare he’d stumble into when he called Jessica Simpson ’sexual napalm’.
Got that Friday feeling have you, yeah? Happy that the days are getting longer and spring is almost here, yeah? Well tough, because here’s ImmorTall – the saddest game in all the world.
Good news, world! American Idol has picked its final 12 contestants, which means that American Idol will be over in…
The main problem with famous people is that they have such trouble keeping their underpants on. Everyone’s at it these days. It’s all sex here, sex over there, more sex here again. Do an interview, have a bit of sex. Sing a song, then have sex. Go to an awards show, have sex with someone first.
Magic: is it actually real, a clever illusion or just a load of made-up bollocks?
Oh God, oh God, ohgodohgodohgod! We can’t breathe! Eclipse is coming! It’s the new Twilight film! IT’S COMING!
Here we see Robert Pattinson and… ugh, is that Kristen Stewart? Ugh, get your hands off Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart you bitch! We’re the ones who love him! Us! Do you practice your signature over and over again with your last name changed to ‘Pattinson’ so you know what it’ll look like when Robert Pattinson marries you? No? We do. Do you have a Twilight poster of Robert Pattinson that hasn’t got a face because you’ve licked clean through it? No? We do? Do you keep a collection of all the knickers you’ve ever involuntarily urinated in because you suddenly thought of Robert Pattinson? No? We do. SO HANDS OFF HIM PLEASE. THANKS.
Here Robert Pattinson says “I know the consequences of the choice you’re making,” and Kristen Stewart gets all like “What choice? The choice to make five whole bloody Twilight films? The choice where the consequences involve getting followed around by millions of panda-faced 12-year-old sub-emos who keep calling me Bella all the time for the rest of my life and I can’t get any work afterwards that doesn’t involve me going googly-eyed at a fucking vampire? Yeah, I know the consequences of that choice, too. They’re shit consequences.” 
Oh for heaven’s sake, put it away for once you bloody prostitute.
Here Taylor Lautner remembers to put a shirt on FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME IN HISTORY and says “I’m gonna fight for you, until your heart stops beating.”
Here Kristen Stewart gets all like “Until my heart stops beating? UNTIL MY HEART STOPS BEATING? Seriously, that’s pretty creepy. Look, Taylor, I appreciate that you’ve managed to figure out how clothes work and everything, but you sounded like the worst kind of pervert nutter just then. Come to think of it, I’m probably just going to go and shack up with Robert Pattinson now. He might smell and have gypsy hair, but at least he doesn’t creep me out as much as you do. I just hope he doesn’t get me pregnant and then bite through my uterus. LOL!”
Kids these days don’t know they’re born. What did we have to play with growing up? Lumps of coal and dysentery, that’s what.
Just when you thought that they couldn’t force out any more Bloons spin-offs, they’ve gone and done it. But Bloons Super Monkey is different.
Corey Haim – star of The Lost Boys, Crank 2 and the song Whatever Happened To Corey Haim by The Thrills – has died.
Matt Damon joins the legions of celebrities whining about problems that you wish you could have. 
Tron: Legacy is undoubtedly the most feverishly-anticipated movie of the year if you’re a boy of very specific age.
Here we meet our new hero. As you can see, he’s quite good at motorbikes. But don’t bother remembering that, because it almost certainly won’t be important to the plot in any way.
Here’s a close-up reminder of the name of the film - Encom TRON Encom. Although technically we think this film is really called Encom TRON Encom: Legacy or Encom TRON Encom 2: The Legacy or Encom TRON Encom 2: Legacy – The Squeakquel. Truth be told, we just don’t know.
Cool, it’s the Batmobile! Um, we mean the Tronmobile! Batmotron? Tratmoquad? Oh, screw this. It’s the bloody Batmobile, OK?
This is where Tron: Legacy lays out its cards most explicitly. It’s The Matrix… BUT WITH FRISBEES! Also, depending on the gender of the genitalia we’re staring up at, this is either the sexiest or most repulsive scene from the Tron: Legacy trailer.
Oh, great, we didn’t know that Kim Cattrall was going to be in this. Hello, Kim! We loved you in Honeymoon Academy! Nice glass penis!
Holy crap, it’s OSCAR WINNING ACTOR JEFF BRIDGES! And he’s still got his Crazy Heart beard, too! Maybe at some point in Tron: Legacy he’ll sing a downhome country and western song about the Sapphire HD5850 1GB GDDR5 Graphics Card or something. Fun!
Oh wait, it looks like the motorbike scene from earlier in the trailer was important after all. We sure didn’t see that coming. Also, there’s speculation that one of the riders in this scene is actually The Stig from Top Gear. We hope that’s true, because that would increase the likelihood of Tron: Legacy containing a scene where someone throws a red tortoise shell at Jeremy Clarkson and he explodes. Fingers crossed!
David Letterman is the luckiest man alive – his extorter has pleaded guilty AND he gets to have sex with his staff.
The problem with Tiger Woods isn’t that he has an addictive personality – it’s that he’s only addicted to really crap things.
Christina Hendricks is fooling no one, the cheeky strumpet. Christina is on the cover of New York magazine’s latest issue. More specifically, her milkmaid-sized comedy breasts are falling out of a too-tight corset on the cover of New York magazine.
So Adam Lambert from AI kissed a man at the AMAs and GMA freaked out until CBS gave him some TLC. OK?
We confess that we’re new to these Katydid And Ant games, but let’s make up for our lateness by being needlessly enthusiastic about them.
This Roman Polanski thing is tricky, isn’t it? On one hand he’s been convicted for having unlawful sex with a child.
Amy Winehouse has taken a rare wrong turn in her otherwise nondescript life. Thus far, her life has been about merry walks in the park on sunny days and staying as far away as she can from yucky things like crack.
Right. Look. We know that just a few days ago we said that we’d written our final story about Jon and Kate Gosselin.
